Laura Loomer and the Everglades Buffet: A Swampy Solution to Immigration?

If you’ve been wondering what to do about America’s immigration problem, fear not. Laura Loomer has a plan. It’s not based on policy, economics, or diplomacy. It’s based on reptiles. And no, not the Deep State kind. We’re talking actual, cold-blooded, death-rolling Everglades alligators. According to Loomer, these scaly patriots are just one infrastructure bill away from solving what decades of political gridlock could not: feeding on 65 million immigrants like it’s a Fourth of July potluck.

“Alligator Lives Matter”: The Croc Caucus Has Entered the Chat

On June 30, Loomer tweeted out her latest brainstorm — or brain swamp — declaring: “Alligator lives matter. The good news is, alligators are guaranteed at least 65 million meals if we get started now.” Naturally, this was accompanied by a call to convert a migrant detention center into what she lovingly dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz,” where justice is blind, cold-blooded, and armed with 80 teeth.

While sane Americans saw this for what it was, genocidal rhetoric wrapped in conspiracy cosplay, Loomer’s fans cheered as if she had just proposed a MAGA-branded Jurassic Park. “Finally, someone feeding the reptiles what they deserve!” tweeted one supporter, who later clarified they were referring to undocumented immigrants, not chicken cutlets. Important distinction.

65 Million Servings of Hate

Let’s pause to unpack the math. Sixty-five million “meals.” That’s not a dinner party. That’s a genocide fantasy disguised as Everglades wildlife conservation. The number eerily mirrors the estimated number of Latinos living in the United States. But maybe Loomer was just proposing an extremely robust Everglades tourism industry. One where gators get Michelin stars and ICE agents become sous chefs.

Is it satire? No. Is it genocidal? Absolutely. Is it somehow still trending in certain corners of Truth Social? You bet.

The Alligator Lobby Responds

In an exclusive non-interview with The Political Rift, several anonymous alligators issued a joint statement from a culvert behind a Florida golf course:

“We categorically deny any involvement in human dietary programs. We prefer raw chicken, not right-wing hate speech.”

Nevertheless, Loomer doubled down, posting grainy satellite images of Everglades land she claimed was being “wasted on swamp” instead of being militarized for patriotism. “If we build the fences and pump in the bodies, nature will do the rest,” she tweeted, as if pitching a Discovery Channel special titled “Feeding Time: The Final Solution.”

Political Reaction: Mostly Vomit

Democrats quickly condemned Loomer’s comments as stomach-turning, dangerous, and another Tuesday. Meanwhile, several Republicans, including those with active reptile constituents in Florida, tried to play it cool. “We don’t support that kind of language,” said one GOP staffer, “but we’re not going to condemn it either, because, well… gators vote.”

Donald Trump, when asked to comment during a Mar-a-Lago brunch, reportedly said, “I’ve eaten gator once. Little chewy. But great idea. Very strong jawline. Very patriotic jawline.” The Secret Service then ushered reporters away before he could suggest arming them with lasers.

Merchandising the Massacre

Capitalism, of course, wasted no time. Loomer’s website now features limited-edition “Meal Ticket” T-shirts, complete with a cartoon alligator wearing a MAGA hat and holding a fork and knife over a U.S. map. Proceeds reportedly go to “Patriots for Predators,” a group that doesn’t technically exist yet but almost certainly will by August.

A Miami entrepreneur has already pitched an NFT line called “GatorGate,” where each digital alligator comes with a randomly generated meal target and prison badge. Loomer herself is said to be in talks with Elon Musk about turning “Alligator Alcatraz” into a real-world beta site using Neuralink to control reptiles with border patrol instincts. Because what could possibly go wrong?

Florida: Still Florida

As the backlash mounted, Loomer remained defiantly Loomer. In a follow-up stream, she declared that liberals were overreacting, that the comment was obviously a joke, and then immediately proposed breeding larger alligators just in case. She concluded the video by calling AOC a “gatorphobe” and demanding Congress allocate swamp credits to patriotic predators nationwide.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, caught in the middle of the madness, issued a non-committal response: “We are proud of our Everglades, and we are proud of our borders. Whether the two should be combined… is a topic for state commissions.” Translation: please stop asking me about this before it becomes another press disaster.

The Bigger Picture

Loomer’s grotesque fantasy is not just a viral tweet. It’s the logical endpoint of a political movement that is increasingly unable or unwilling to distinguish policy from parody. The suggestion that immigrants should be eaten is no longer confined to the fringe. It is now part of the mainstream, floated by verified users and liked by elected officials who once swore oaths to uphold the Constitution, not the food chain.

In a nation where satire keeps getting mistaken for policy and vice versa, Laura Loomer may just be ahead of her time or behind every moral line we have drawn since the Geneva Conventions. Either way, America needs to decide if it’s a country of laws or one big Everglades safari park with slightly better Wi-Fi.

In a nation where satire keeps getting mistaken for policy and vice versa, Laura Loomer may just be ahead of her time or behind every moral line we have drawn since the Geneva Conventions. Either way, this isn’t just a tweet — it’s a twisted view into where we’re heading if we keep letting fringe voices shape immigration with cruelty instead of compassion. The next chapter in this dystopian drama? It belongs to foreign policy.