The Economy Is Fine (If You’re a Billionaire With a Backup Jet)

The United States economy in 2025 has officially entered its gold-plated drift phase. It’s not crashing—but if you’re in the bottom 80%, it sure smells like smoke. The markets are twitchy, the dollar’s losing weight, and a gallon of milk requires a background check and a credit score of 720. Meanwhile, Wall Street grins like a Botoxed banshee, whispering, “This is fine.”

Growth for the Few, Groans for the Rest

GDP reports continue to roll in with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for mid-season reruns. The economy is technically growing—just not for you. Or your neighbor. Or most of the country. Corporate profits, however, are soaring thanks to generous deregulation and tax incentives that reward offshoring, stock buybacks, and firing middle management via Zoom.

President Trump’s economic team, a veritable League of Extraordinary Capitalists, insists this is all part of the plan: a “trickle-down correctional phase.” Translation? The wealthy are absorbing the wealth so it can be spiritually redistributed through aspirational Instagram reels.

Inflation Has Calmed. Sort Of. (No It Hasn’t.)

The Federal Reserve assures us inflation is under control—if you exclude food, housing, healthcare, and the will to live. Core inflation is still hanging around like a debt collector in a trench coat, especially in service sectors where Americans are paying more for less.

Grocery bills read like ransom notes. Renters are shelling out 40–60% of their income to live in closet-sized apartments with shared Wi-Fi and a view of the dumpster. But don’t worry—interest rates are stable. Because nobody’s borrowing anymore.

Jobs: Technically There, Emotionally Missing

Unemployment hovers near 4%, and officials point to that number like it’s a Nobel Prize. But a deeper look reveals a job market dominated by gig work, part-time retail, and “consultant” roles that don’t pay in actual dollars. Manufacturing jobs have shrunk. Tech is on a hiring freeze. And the most popular career track in 2025? Learning to live on less while pretending you have options.

Wages are rising at a polite pace, but inflation continues to gobble up every penny. For many, real purchasing power is down—unless you count TikTok influence as currency.

Consumer Confidence: Bleeding Out in Aisle Four

The American consumer is tired. Tired of shrinkflation, tired of $12 eggs, and tired of being told that things are better than they feel. Retail sales are flat, personal savings are draining, and the average citizen now responds to stock market news the same way they do to astrology forecasts: with a skeptical sigh and a stiff drink.

Markets swing wildly on every whisper from the Fed, a missile test in the Pacific, or the sudden resignation of a cabinet member caught investing in pork futures. It’s fine. This is all fine.

Debt, Deficits, and the Art of Pretending It’ll Work Out

In a feat of creative accounting, the national debt has ballooned past $36 trillion. But Republicans insist this is actually a sign of “economic virility”—America is spending like a king, and kings don’t worry about limits. The deficit? Chalk it up to defense spending, tax loopholes, and $40,000 curtains at embassies in countries we’re not even speaking to.

There’s no plan to reduce it. The hope is that, much like student loans and climate change, the debt will eventually become someone else’s problem. Probably yours. But definitely not Goldman Sachs’.

Global Drift: America’s Lonely Cruise

America’s economy doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it’s more like a luxury cruise drifting through a storm while the engine sputters. China is slowing down. Europe is stagnating. And our allies are quietly wondering if we’re okay while we yell into a megaphone about oil independence.

Exports are down. Energy costs are up. And foreign investors are treating U.S. assets like that one uncle who brings fireworks to funerals: interesting, but not worth the liability.